Wedding gifts guide - what you need to know
It’s traditional for wedding guests to give the bride and groom presents. But what is the current etiquette surrounding this aspect of the occasion? And what is the best way for the happy couple to organise this aspect of their big day? In this post we share a few thoughts and tips that will hopefully make it easier for you and your guests to navigate what can potentially be a bit of a minefield – the do’s and don’ts of giving and receiving can get a little bewildering!
A bit of history
Wedding gifts originated from the notion of a bride price or dowry that was paid to the bride's family. It usually included land, animals, money, and other forms of historical wealth. The earliest record of such an arrangement was in 3,000 B.C.
By the time of the Renaissance, some 4,500 years later, it became traditional for the bride to be presented with an ornate marriage chest. This would be filled with all the goods which she would then take to her new home. This practice evolved into the ‘bottom drawer’ in which unmarried women would collect all the linens and things they would need to embark on married life.
As we approach the modern era it became customary for guests to give the bride anything they still lacked in the way of household essentials. Things stepped up a gear in the early part of the last century. In 1928 giant US retail store Macy’s introduced the idea of the wedding gift registry – and others were swift to follow suit.
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In those days most couples did not live together before tying the knot (heaven forbid!) and were fairly young. That meant they lacked all those things, from pillow cases to saucepans and cutlery to tea cups, to ‘set up home’. Times have changed and most couples have already got all those regular items well before he ‘makes an honest woman of her’ – so wedding registry list now lean towards luxury ‘nice to have’ stuff rather than the boring basics.
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Work out what you have already got
Take some time with your partner and do a “stock check”. Make a list of what both of you have already and want to keep. Then make a list of what you still need and would like. You might want to divide this second list into "everyday" and "formal" versions of dinnerware, glassware, table linens and serving items. It's also important to discuss general colour schemes or patterns before you go any further.
Take your pick
Picking a registry makes life easy for you and your guests. There are so many to choose from that we aren’t going to list them here. Just create one as soon as you get engaged.
Having said that, one is not enough. Ten, however, is too many. Two to four registries give guests more choices, and it's a manageable number. You might want to pick a couple of smaller registries you should also feature at least one big one like Amazon or John Lewis.
Your choice should reflect your lifestyle, interests and tastes. If you love camping and walking but have little interest in cooking and formal entertaining then you should register with an outdoor pursuits store rather than somewhere that offers upmarket cookware.
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Try to keep everyone happy
The gifts are for you, so you’ll obviously want to list things that you and your partner would like (remember to do this together!). Friends and family may make suggestions and they might have some good ones – but ultimately it’s about working out what you need and want, what is going to suit the kind of life and home you want to create together.
Having said that, register for a wide range of items. That makes it easy for people to choose gifts within their means. Some guests may have been intending on spending a relatively modest amount and you don’t want to embarrass them with a list where everything is crazy expensive. Also include some traditional items for older relatives to choose and fun stuff for your mates to give you.
Preparing the list
Don’t rush the list-making process – you may regret your choices if you are in too much of a hurry, or you might miss items that will be really useful but slip your mind. Set aside plenty of time for searching, thinking and discussing.
One tip is to start by signing up for essential items you really want – a new mattress, for instance. Then, once these have been ticked off and the list is getting shorter, you can add more items. That way you reduce the chances of getting a nice salad bowl but missing out on the wine glasses that you can’t do without!
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Make your registry list longer than your guest list. Suppose a work colleague has left it to the last minute and the only thing left on the list costs £110 – you’ve really put them in an awkward spot! With a long registry list you’ll have stuff left over but it’s a sure fire way to guarantee you’ll get most of what you want.
How to let the guests know about your registry
You need to be a little bit discreet - coming straight out and asking your guests to buy you gifts is way too pushy! Don’t include registry information on your wedding invitations – it’s more appropriate to let people know by word of mouth.
Your registry information can also be listed on your engagement party and bridal shower invites. That’s because the invitation doesn't come from you, but from the person hosting that event for on your behalf. You can also share your registry information on your personalized wedding website.
Is gift-giving obligatory?
If you’re invited to the actual wedding ceremony then the answer is “yes” – no ifs, buts or exceptions. Even if they said “no gifts” you give a gift!
If you’re invited to the evening reception, or a party after the actual ceremony has occurred, then it’s not obligatory - but many people do anyway.
What if it’s a destination wedding – does the fact you’ve spent a shedload of money to be there count as a gift? No. However, you don’t have to be quite so generous.
If you are attending a second wedding, or a vows renewal, and you were at the original ceremony, you are not obliged to buy another gift.
How much should guests spend?
This is a tricky one, with no hard and fast rules. It rather depends on how close you are to the couple, how well off you and where the bar is being set by other guests. Too little and you look tight, too much and you might appear OTT (and break the bank!). If you read the research that has been conducted the average people spend is somewhere between £40 and £60.
Give memories, not “stuff”
Honeymoon funds
Some couples suggest that instead of buying tangible stuff, like a coffeemaker or a personalised cheese board, guest put money towards the honeymoon. This can be a great idea for couples who have been living together for a while and already have most of what they need in the way of household items.
You might want to help people by itemising stuff associated with the honeymoon. Depending on their means guests could buy you a pair of cocktails, treat you to a dinner, contribute to the flights, cover the car hire or shell out for scuba diving lessons.
Don’t just say it - send a card
Thank You cards
The happy couple should send these out within three months of the wedding – but certainly leave it no longer than six months. It’s not only polite to do this but many guests will have had the gift sent direct from the provider so if you don’t thank them they’ll worry that you never got it in the first place!
Anything else?
We hope you find this quick guide helpful. It could be longer as there are a few aspects we’ve not covered. Rather than try and answer every conceivable question here we suggest you give us a call if there’s something you’re still not sure about – the team here have a lot of experience they are more than happy to share.