"Will you marry me?" she asked
Photo by Andre Jackson on Unsplash
Traditionally it is the man who proposes marriage. However, there’s also another tradition that that women may propose to men, in a leap year, on the 29th of February. As 2020 is a leap year, and the 29th of February is only about 48 hours away, we thought it timely to explore this topic in a little more detail. If you pop the question to your beloved on the 29th you need to have the story straight. And if he still hasn’t asked you well before the next leap year comes around in 2024 you can threaten to do it yourself!
Why women never popped the question
So where did this idea that only the man can do the asking come from? The answer is “from a long way back”. For as long as anyone can remember marriage has been largely an economic and political transaction. Think of those boring history lessons you had to sit through where royals marriages were arranged to seal dynastic alliances, even though the two parties had never even seen each other. Even in the 18th century finding a husband was probably the most important investment a woman could make in order to secure her economic future – just watch any Jane Austen movie (Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility, Emma, Persuasion) and you’ll realise that “marrying well” is more about the money and social advancement than the romance.
The Arnolfini Portait by Jan van Eyck - a rich Italian cloth merchant with one of his most prized possessions.
Marriage was primarily a business transaction so the families would negotiate a deal - women were treated as property and would be traded from one family to another in exchange for land, offers of protection, or to secure her family's social position. In other cases, women were married off as a means of settling or paying a debt. Women had no say in the matter – so the idea that they could propose was totally out of the question.
Around the late 1700’s people love and attraction started to come into the equation a little bit more. However, popping the question remained a male prerogative. Women had long been considered too emotional and irrational to be trusted to select a good husband, and that mindset continued to inform how love marriages evolved. Also, men supposedly had more to lose by getting married and it was felt that this meant that they weighed things up more carefully than the flightier sex.
What’s with this leap year exception to the rule?
There’s an old Irish legend has it that St. Brigid of Kildare, a fifth-century Irish nun, St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, what could be done to help single women whose suitors were too shy to propose. St Patrick initially gave women permission to propose only once every seven years. However, St Bridged pushed for every leap year. When he agreed Brigid then dropped to a knee and proposed to him immediately. He refused but kissed her on the cheek and offered her a silk gown to take the sting out of the rejection. The current Irish tradition still dictates that any man refusing a woman's proposal on this day must give her a silk gown.
Photo by Lucas Lenzi on Unsplash
Scotland has a similar tradition that originated when an unmarried Queen Margaret allegedly enacted a law in 1288 allowing women to propose on leap-year day. There was, however, an important clause that stated that the proposer must wear a red petticoat, giving any man who saw her bearing down on him the chance to do a runner if he wanted to avoid an awkward scene!
Both these stories are pretty suspect, it must be said. Historians put St Brigid's age at 9 or 10 when St Patrick died, making the whole event pretty unlikely. Queen Margaret was only 5 years old in 1288 and historians have also not been able to find any references to such a law.
What about the ring?
If the woman is the one doing the proposing that raises a few issues around the engagement ring. Does she buy her own ring, to give him, so he can slip it on her finger? Or does she buy a £1 ring from Poundland (really, they’re selling them!) and wait for him to get a more expensive one once he’s said “yes”? Or does she present him with a luxury watch, then he buys her a ring in return?
If you check out a few wedding forums you’ll find that there’s no hard and fast rule. You’ll just have to somehow work it out between you!
Where are we today?
A recent report suggests that in 97% of heterosexual couple it was the man who asked the question. This is a bit surprising when you think how far women have come in terms of establishing equal status with men. And women tend to find it easier to express their feelings than men – so it’s probably easier for them to do the asking than it is for some emotionally reticent bloke who finds it hard to put his love into words.
Yet traditions that have taken thousands of years to cement themselves at the heart of our society are hard to break. There’s nothing to say the woman can’t propose – but when all is said and done it might just be easier to use your charms to get him to do the asking!
Any other questions?
The team here at Clevedon Hall are pretty experienced in all things wedding and very happy to share their knowledge, tips and thoughts – just pop us the question (well, not that question!).