Wedding planning responsibilities for grooms

It takes two to tie the knot – but traditionally it was the bride that took the lead as far as the planning was concerned (and her parents who were expected to pay for pretty much everything!).  These days, however, such an approach is well past its sell-by date and in today’s era of equality the roles and responsibilities are less well defined.  This means that that the groom probably plays more of a part now than in the past – and that can create some awkward dilemmas.  If the bride takes control and the groom does nothing then she may become resentful that her partner is not sharing the load.  On the other hand the groom may be irritated that he’s not being included and consulted.  In this post we suggest some ways to approach this potential minefield!

Photo by Nick Karvounis on Unsplash

Play to your strengths

It’s usually the case that opposites attract.  So, most couples tend to be very different, with one complementing the other.  For instance, if one of you naturally likes to take charge then the other probably feels more comfortable in a supporting role.  When it comes to planning your wedding it’s important to understand these differences and play to one another’s strengths. 

Reading the small print of a contract is a job best left to the one who is most task and detail orientated.  If one of you is more artistically inclined then they should probably take the lead with things like the invitations, the look of the website and the decorations – and this could be the groom.  Sit down at the earliest opportunity and discuss your relative strengths and weaknesses. Then make a list of all the things that need sorting.  Next, divide them into a his, hers and together columns, based on which of you is most suitable for that task.

Having said that, some things really are best left to the bride and others to the groom.  Plus there are certain aspects of the wedding where you really need to share the responsibility.

Joint decisions

Certain issues, like the date of your wedding, the guest list, the type of ceremony you want, the overall theme and style of the event, the venue and the seating plan, cannot be decided by one person without reference to the other.  Bride and groom have an equal say and it’s important to be sensitive to the other’s preferences, tastes and needs.

Decisions for the bride

Other things, like choosing the dress, anything to do with bridesmaids, the hen party, hair and beauty, are almost certainly the bride’s domain.  She should take the lead but check with the groom that he’s happy with her decisions.  For instance, if he hates a particular dress then it’s probably unwise to ignore his feelings! 

Decisions for the groom

Some things are probably best left to the groom.  He should certainly pick the best man and the groomsmen.  Buying a gift for the best man and each of the groomsmen is also a task that naturally falls to the groom.

When it comes to the purchase of rings the groom will already have taken the lead on the engagement ring (it wouldn’t work the other way round!).  He should also take the lead with the wedding band for the bride, but obviously she will have a big say in the final choice.  By the same token she should reciprocate with the groom’s wedding band.  Having said this, in practice the two of you will probably make the purchases together and who pays for what will shortly become academic as you’ll soon (if not already) have joint finances.

Who deciding what the groom will wear on the big day?  Technically this is his  decision, but in practice this will need to be discussed with the bride well in advance.  She will certainly have her own ideas and this is particularly important if bright colours are being considered.  If he favours a bright tie or waistcoat it’s important to make sure this will be in keeping with her dress and the overall design theme of the wedding.

Sometimes the groom will provide a gift for the bride to open on the morning of the wedding. This is a lovely touch idea - but it’s not advisable to buy her an item of jewellery to wear on the day as she will already have made this choice and you are just putting her in an awkward spot!  Flowers, or a romantic note to read while she’s getting ready, will definitely be appreciated.  Another romantic idea is for the groom to take a moment with the videographer early on at the reception to record a special message for his new wife.

Then there’s the groom’s speech – something he definitely has to prepare and deliver himself.  Writing this, and rehearsing it thoroughly, should be done well in advance – leaving it until the last moment then and then jotting down a few notes in a fit of panic is an absolute no-no!

Finally, it used to be traditional for the groom to make all the honeymoon arrangements without consulting the bride – that way it was all a lovely surprise for her.  These days most couples tend to share this (very enjoyable) task. 

Decisions for one or other of you (or both)

This leaves a long list of other decisions that don’t naturally fall into the list of the bride’s or the groom’s responsibilities.  For instance, selecting the wines, picking a photographer, choosing the style and flavour of the cake, managing the invitations and RSVPs, or selecting table linens.

Bride and groom need to share out these tasks as appropriate, taking into account their relative temperaments, interests and skill sets.  If one of you is foodie then it’s sensible for you to take charge of this side of things.  If the other is more business-minded then it makes sense for them to negotiate with the vendors and venue.

Be aware of how your partner is feeling

Although you will be working independently on different tasks it’s important to keep each other in the loop about what each of you is doing.  You also need to be sensitive.  Don’t overwhelm your partner with too much information if they are reluctant to engage with certain aspects of the planning.  By the same token if they are showing interest welcome their input and make sure their opinion is valued.  If you ask for their thoughts and continually shoot their ideas down in flames, they will soon lose interest in contributing to the planning process. So be sure to encourage your partner’s ideas and find ways to incorporate them.

Despite the fact that times have changed the bride will probably still take on most of the planning and organising.   The groom therefore needs to realise that there will be points along the way where she hits wedding overload.  If he’s smart he’ll spot the signs early and help by cooking the dinner, taking her out for the evening, or even arrange a weekend break - anything to show he appreciates her efforts and to keep the romance alive.

All together now!

Planning a wedding is now very much a team effort with both partners sharing responsibilities equally.  If they are sensible they’ll also enlist the help of family and friends to lighten the load on themselves.  In addition we have a group of wedding planning experts here at Clevedon Hall that can be called on for advice and support – if you have any questions don’t be afraid to give us a call!