Annoying guests - how to handle them

You’ll have certain expectations about what is acceptable behaviour at a wedding – and what is not.  But some of your family and friends will have a very different take on correct wedding etiquette.  This means that you’ll inevitably find that one or two guests who act in a way you feel is inappropriate, make requests that you consider unreasonable or simply (and shamelessly) do something you’d never dream of.  It’s going to happen, so you’d best be prepared.  In this post we list the most common ways in which wedding guests unintentionally upset the bride and groom – then suggest how best to handle the situation. 

Neglecting to send a RSVP

Posting the RSVP by return…it’s not a lot to ask, is it?  A prompt reply is not only good manners but makes your life so much easier.  How can you create a seating plan or give the caterers a final headcount if half a dozen guests leave you guessing? 

How to handle:  Leave it a week then give them a call.  If you are really busy, or a lot of people need chasing up, get your maid of honour to help.  Or send out a group email (use a blind CC) to request confirmation by a specific date.  Keep it light and friendly, but the tone also needs to be firm.  Hopefully this should be sufficient to round up most of the stragglers and mean you only have a couple of really inconsiderate/disfunctional people to phone!

Sending RSVPs with an uninvited partner

You sent them just one invite but they reply that they’d love to come and will be bringing their latest date/their child/their best friend.  This is bang out of line but it does put you in an awkward position. 

How to handle:  Anticipate the problem by establishing a no-exceptions guest policy and communicating that clearly amongst family and friends, as well as spelling it out on your wedding website (for instance, no children under 18 and no significant other unless you live together or are engaged).  Also make it very clear on the invitation who it includes.

If someone still takes this kind of liberty don’t do anything immediately (give yourself 24 hours to calm down!).  Then call and apologise for any confusion you may have caused (even though you are not to blame!).  Explain that budget and venue restrictions mean that you’ve got to be very strict on numbers and have to stick to the guest policy. 

Bombarding you with questions

The moment they receive your invite they start bombarding you with questions about directions, timings, accommodation, menu options, your registry…as if you have nothing better to do than act as their personal concierge!

How to handle:  Create your own personal wedding website, put all the information on there and direct your guests to it on the invitation.  If you get calls just refer them to the website.  If you’d like a bit of advice about how to set up your website and what to include read our earlier post on this topic.

In all likelihood, however, there will be a few guests on your list that are complete technophobes – there is no way they’ll be visiting your website.  For these guests print off a copy of all your website content and post it to them.

They buy a gift that’s not on your registry list

Some guests feel that sticking to your registry is a little impersonal and insist on being more imaginative.  The result may be a wonderful surprise.  But worst case scenario is you receive something truly cringeworthy which you cannot possibly live with.

How to handle:  Accept the gift graciously and thank them profusely – then check whether they’ve included the receipt.  If there’s a receipt they probably realise that the gift may not be quite your style – in this case it’s acceptable to return the present.  If there’s no receipt just keep the gift as long as you can stand to have it around (in the garage?) before discreetly selling it on.

One way to head off this problem is to include a slightly off-beat store to your registry list (like a local museum or a boutique homewares shop).  That way guests who want to buy you something a bit more unusual and characterful are provided with a useful starting point.

Arriving late

Some people just have a problem with punctuality – you can rely on them to be late, no matter what (and they always have a great excuse!)…even when it’s for your wedding ceremony!

How to handle:  Arrange for one of you ushers to stand just outside the entrance to your ceremony.  It’s their job to ensure that a late arrival does not get mixed up with your procession and that those who roll up even later are quietly directed to a seat.

To minimise the problem plan on walking down the aisle about 15 minutes after the ceremony start time you print on your invitations and feature on your website.  Giving yourself that buffer should ensure that everyone is seated before you walk down the aisle.

Turning up with a big and heavy gift

Thanks…but how am I supposed to get this home?!  It’s great that some guests bring gifts to the reception but not so great when they take up a lot of space or weigh a ton. 

How to handle:  Ask one of your groomsmen or bridesmaids to store all the gifts in one place (preferably a locked, separate room in your reception space) so nothing gets left behind. At the end of the evening get them to take all the gifts to the most convenient location (probably someone's home rather than your honeymoon suite).

You can make life much easier for everyone by prominently featuring the links to your gift registries on your website and encouraging them to use their delivery services.

Surprising you with an unexpected toast

Emotions run high at weddings (helped by a glass too many of bubbly).  Sometimes an otherwise sensible guest cannot resist the urge to raise a glass, accompanied by an embarrassing story, an inappropriate anecdote or a rambling reminiscence.

How to handle:  There’s not a lot you can do, so just grin and bear it.  To reduce the chances of this happening make sure that whoever is acting as master of ceremonies has a list of the approved toast-givers.  Tell them not to pass the microphone to anyone who has not been approved in advance.

Requesting songs

Obviously you have a certain taste in music and you’ll work with your DJ or band to compile the perfect playlist.  So why the heck are they now playing “Y.M.C.A”?!  The answer is one of your friends or relatives requested it….

How to handle:  You have to accept that requests are inevitable and that the DJ or band will probably have to accommodate them if they feel the track is vaguely appropriate.  Planning ahead, give your DJ or band a list of songs you don’t want to hear and ask them to politely decline should the request occur.

Drinking to excess

Alcohol and weddings go together and there’s nothing like a few drinks to get everyone loosened up.  But a couple of cocktails/beers/glasses of bubbly too many can swiftly turn the life and soul of the party into an embarrassing accident waiting to happen.

How to handle:  It’s not your responsibility to make sure everyone stays just the right side of legless.  Having said that you can’t ignore a guest who is starting to upset others or likely to be ill or injure themselves.  The best course of action is to find somebody sober to help them to their room (if they are staying the night at the venue) or get them a ride home.  You can head these situations off by asking the bar staff to keep an eye out for anyone that’s downing drinks too fast – give them permission to have a word with anyone they think is heading for too much of a hangover.

Crashing your party

You’ll almost certainly have guests on your list that you’ve never met (friends of your parents, significant others…).  But if your venue hosts a number of different events on the same night chances are that you might get a few uninvited individuals helping themselves to your free hospitality.  Best advice is to ignore them but if they are causing a nuisance have a word with someone from the venue and get them discreetly removed.

Anything else we can help you with?

Not everyone is going to be on the same page as you when it comes to wedding etiquette and appropriate behaviour.  But if you follow the advice we’ve given here, and you resist the temptation to overreact, it shouldn’t prove too much of a problem.  Perhaps there are some areas of wedding planning we could help you with?  Just get in touch with the experienced team at Clevedon Hall and we’ll happily share our experience with you.