It’s so easy to get totally focussed on wedding planning that you forget to plan what comes next – married life.  The first is important, the biggest day of your life.  But the second, the rest of your life, is even more so.  Every couple discusses dates, venues, themes, dresses, cakes and seating plans.  But how many make the time to ask the less immediate questions which will shape their relationship for years to come?  A lot less than plan their ceremony and celebration in minute detail. 

What kind of questions are we talking about?  Not the kind you get asked when playing Mr & Mrs!  Serious questions that are less fun than “what flavour wedding cake takes your fancy?”.  Potentially awkward questions that you’d perhaps rather avoid.  But vital questions you’ll be glad you asked each other before tying the knot.  In this post we list some of the most essential ones.

Starting a family

It’s important to find out if you are both on the same page when it comes to having children.  It’s not just a question of “shall we, shan’t we?”.   How many would you like, and when?  Do you want them so badly you’d consider IVF or adoption if things don’t happen as expected?  How do you plan to work parenting duties around your respective careers?  How were you brought up and do you want to maintain the same parenting style with your own kids?  What kind of education would you like for them?  Are there any religious issues that need to be discussed?

Managing money

Arguments about money are a major cause of marital breakups – so it’s best to check your views are not too far apart.  What’s your attitude to money?  Do you like to spend most or all of your income and live for today or save and invest for the future.  How do you feel about borrowing money and carrying a certain amount of debt?  Shall we keep our incomes and finances totally separate or put everything in a joint account?  If one of you gets paid a lot more, or comes from a much wealthier background, how are you going handle that?   Are we going to split all of our expenses equally or is one of us going to take on more of the bills?  Should we get a prenuptial agreement?

Sex life

Your sexual compatibility is probably pretty good – otherwise it’s unlikely that you’d be getting married.  However, it’s important to talk about the subject.  Sex is the barometer of the relationship so exploring it with your partner will bring you closer together.  Was sex something that was openly discussed in your family as you were growing up or was it a no-go area?  Do you have religious beliefs that will have a bearing on our sex life? What does sex mean to you? How often do you like to have sex? Do you have expectations about sex? Do you feel comfortable and safe talking about your needs?  How do you feel when I talk about my needs? 

Family background

If your backgrounds are similar then this is likely to make married life easier.  But what if you come from very different cultures, ethnic groups, religions, social classes, financial situations?  It’s hard to be prescriptive about what questions to ask as your situation is likely to be unique – but identify issues that are likely to prove awkward and discuss these with your intended.

Values and beliefs

It’s true that opposites attract but you’ll probably find you’ll get along a lot better if you hold similar views on things like honesty, integrity, family, work, politics and religion.  Discussing them now could spare you a few surprises down the road!

Work/life balance

Do you live to work or work to lo live?  Are you super ambitious and very goal orientated with regard to your career or is family, friends and enjoying each day as it comes your priority?  If my career required me to locate, and I wanted to take that opportunity, how would you feel about moving?  Would you prefer a modest lifestyle where we had plenty of time to enjoy life outside of work and not too many responsibilities or will you be happier having a demanding career that gives you a lot of money and status?

Lifestyle and interests

Are you a committed couch potato while your partner is a super active outdoor type?  Is your idea of a great Friday night curling up with a good book while his is a few pints with his mates down the pub?  Your tastes lean towards the antique and retro but he’s happy with IKEA?  He’s a mad foodie who loves to cook whereas you are happy with microwaved ready meals?  It’s important that you come to some agreement about your differences and how you handle them – otherwise a fewc arguments are likely to arise!

Personality compatibility

Most couples have rather different personalities.  If one is outgoing the other is often a bit reserved.  If one is the kind of person who likes to take the lead the other is often more of a follower, someone who is happiest providing support.  People with exactly the same personality traits tend to clash (two people who are both very strong willed and like to take the lead will probably wind each other up).  Those with different personality traits tend to complement each other.  However, there will be times when these differences are a source of frustration.  What’s more, each personality type has a different way of communicating and this can make things extra difficult when issues arise.  On top of this, men and women are psychologically very different and react in ways that totally confuse their partners.  There are no simple answers here (as any married couple will tell you) but the more you explore your personality, communication and gender differences the better you are going to get along.

Any other ways we can help?

We’re wedding organisers, not marriage counsellors. However, our experience of all things wedding planning is pretty extensive - so in our posts we cover more issues and topics than you might expect! Got any other questions about your forthcoming nuptials? Then ask away!