Your wedding day is not called a “big day” for nothing – apart from being emotionally huge the sheer amount of planning, work and expense it involves makes the other major events in your life appear modest by comparison.  Inviting someone to attend the ceremony, the reception or both, is also a big deal – you’d expect them to be excited, flattered and honoured.  So it’s a bit disappointing when they don’t RSVP.  And shocking when they do accept…then either make a lame last-minute excuse or simply fail to turn up at all.  In this post we share some thoughts about how best to handle these situations. 

Invitation tips

Don’t get so carried away with your theme, colours and design that the essential details “get lost in the mix”!  Traditionally, whoever is hosting is listed first on the invitation (that’s probably both sets of parents) followed by something along the lines of “invite you to celebrate the marriage of (insert your Christian names).  Then make sure you include the location of the wedding, the date and time, all relevant reception information, dress code and the RSVP details.

Don’t cram the card with too much information or decoration – less looks more elegant and means the most important stuff isn’t buried.  Things like directions to your wedding venue and reception can go on a separate enclosure and on your wedding website.

Send your save-the-dates notes eight to ten months before the wedding.  The invites themselves should go out around four to five months before the big day.  However, if the wedding and reception are happening abroad you’ll need to send the invites earlier as people will have to do more in the way getting themselves organised.

Include your RSVP information on the bottom right corner of your invitation or on a separate enclosure and make the deadline for replying no more than three or four weeks after guests receive the invitations.  The more time you give guests to reply, the more likely they are to forget!

RSVP cards

In days gone by people would reply with a card or letter, either to accept or send their apologies.  If you prefer this traditional approach you can include an RSVP card that people can then return.  The card should include the following:

·         A blank line for the guests to fill out their names. Your guest will use this space to write in their name as well as the name(s) of a spouse, a date, or children who will also be attending the wedding. You will be relying on this information to create your final guest list and create table place cards.

·         The RSVP reply due date. Use a date three to four weeks before the wedding date.

·         The “will attend” line. Short and simple, this phrase can say anything along the lines of “Yes, I will attend your wedding.” These are the final people you add to your guest list.

·         The “unable to attend” line. Although disappointing, use this information to cut down your guest list and reduce your wedding expenses. (Blessing in disguise?)

·         Meal choices (so get your catering and menu sorted before you sent the invitations!)

A more modern way to manage RSVPs

In today’s digital world you could ask people to reply by email and put everything on a spreadsheet but a lot of couples these days use a dedicated website – this makes it much easier to keep track of things for minimal effort. 

Here are some options you could check out:

RSVPify

It’s free and has all the features you need.   You can even embed their RSVP tool in your own personal wedding website.  You can also use RSVPify to invite and manage secondary events like a rehearsal dinner or bridal shower.

Appy Couple

This is an app that works for mobile devices in addition to the desktop website. Guests can download and use it for free.  The couple getting married have pay a one-time fee of £45 for a basic membership and a one-time fee of £145 for their luxury collection which gives you access to a few extra designs.  The big difference with this site is that you can add YouTube videos to your page.  There is also an instant messenger platform that can connect you with other users and guests.

AnRSVP

This is another free service but you can pay for additional features if you wish.  It gives you the option to add additional questions rather than the most basic ones – not just meal choices but what’s their favourite song or their accommodation selection.

Free RSVP

As the name suggests, it’s free.  Unlike many other free RSVP trackers you don’t need to provide any personal information when registering and you can create an unlimited guest list. You can send an invitation by e-mail and track the responses through the regular updates the site sends you.

No RSVP?

If someone doesn’t respond you need to check - it's always possible that an invitation or reply card got lost in the post…or maybe they just have a lot going on in their life and simply let the small matter of a reply slip.  Some guests, especially younger ones, don't understand the importance of an RSVP.  Maybe their work schedule is irregular or they have a problem with transport. 

Either give them a call yourself, or perhaps ask the mother of the bride or maid of honour, to tactfully enquire whether their RSVP has been mislaid.

What to do if someone is a no show?

It’s hard to believe that someone will RSVP to say they’ll attend then not attend – it does happen!  Sometimes people who fully intended to be there hit a last-minute problem and have the courtesy to tell you.  But it’s not uncommon to have a few guests who don’t turn up and don’t let you know either!.  This is incredibly upsetting and rude, made worse by the fact you’ve paid out for their dinner, drinks and the like. 

You can find stories online of brides who have billed guests who failed to show up.  These have triggered much debate on whether sending an invoice is an acceptable response – some think it equally rude to ask for the money but others have said such a response is entirely justified. 

How many no shows can you expect?

Reading what brides have posted online it’s hard to come up with an average.  Some of the worst stories are from the states, where guests have to travel greater distances.

“My friend told me she had about 70 people rsvp yes, only to have 52 show up. That's a 25% no show rate!”

“We had 187 people RSVP yes and had 4 no shows.  We also had 2 wedding crashers and I'm sure they drank enough booze to make up for a few of the no shows.”

“We had 129 people confirm. We decided to pay for 130 just in case we needed a last minute seat. 24 freaking people decided to not show up and didn’t even bother to call or text to say anything.  UGH.”

This last one, however, is from London.

“8 out of 60 people just didn't turn up, which cost us a lot as each place cost approx £200!”

It’s worse in Mexico!

Mexicans go in for big weddings.  At middle-class nuptials a guest list of 500 is not unusual.  But on the day the average no-show or late cancellation rate can be as high as 40%!  Partly that’s because, with such huge guest lists that many people get around two dozen invitations a year.  But culture also plays a part. Research suggests that while American guests like to break the bad news promptly, Mexicans tend to accept then make an excuse with a few hours to go, or just fail to show up.  Popular excuses are car crashes or nannies who let them down.  One bride’s best friend cancelled on the morning with a “new circumstances” message.

This post from weddingwire.com paints the following picture of the typical Mexican wedding:

“Basically you can expect 20% of your guests to show up to your ceremony at church, there's no cocktail hour, then your guests trickle in over the next couple of hours and your caterer serves them dinner as they arrive. No one RSVPs and even worse, they'll bring a plus one or a couple friends because it's so casual like that...”

More questions?  Just ask!

Hopefully this post gives you some ideas about how to handle the invites, RSVPs and no shows.  However, every wedding is different, so if you’d like to discuss the planning of yours just get in touch.  The team here have a wealth of experience they’re only too happy to share.